On Saying No

Compassion Fatigue
Where in my life am I not saying no?

Basic Assumptions

  • We are consistently looking for connection in things

  • We don’t experience trauma in isolation

  • Opposition can only happen in a relationship!

  • In nature force meets an equal and oppositional force

  • Let’s look at what we are opposing!

All Humans are wired for Compassion, Anger, Fear and Playfulness

  • Compassion and Caring are the Manifestation of our true nature and a survival characteristic

  • How can we get fatigued at being our selves?

Our Immune system and our emotional system are the same system and they have the same goals

Anger is an essential emotional boundary
When we suppress anger, we suppress our immune system
We live longer if we express our emotions

Trauma is the contributor to both immune and mental health diagnosis
When we experience compassion fatigue, It is something else we are tired of!

Some of the top regrets of dying people according to Gabor Mate:

  1. They weren’t themselves (because of the fear of displeasing others / abandonment of self)

  2. These are the most compassionate of the people

  3. Higher degree of compassion

Characteristics of Illness prone people:

  1. compulsive concern of the emotional needs of others ”The good die young!”

  2. Think of ourselves as our role in the world (ie therapist/ Dr. )

  3. Suppress anger and emotions

  4. Responsible how people feel

It’s not that we are tired of being compassionate it’s lacking compassion for self

Attachment is defined as our need to belong
Our emotions are heard, understood, and fulfilled!

Authenticity is experiencing and acting on the experiencing! We are born with gut feelings
These gut feelings are essential for the human infant Attachment is essential

Unhealthy introjects are borrowed from our parents

“If I am authentic, I am not acceptable!”
To be myself means I lose connection
-The more Selfless and giving you are the more highly you are regarded -The system rewards us for it
-The lack of self compassion for ourselves is why we are tired
-I’ll be anything you want me to be if only you will accept me - Elvis -No human being is born that way, we learn this characteristic

If I’m not allowed to say no my yeses will mean nothing

Inability to say no has an important role in our life

When we live in our family of origins unhealthy introjects our
Focus is external and not on our internal experience
(External locus of control rather than our ultimate goal of internal locus of control.)

We tend to hold on to the happy feelings and forget about the painful experiences

Process Question

Tell me in your life where you are having difficulty saying no

  • Work

  • Personal

When this week did I not say no when I needed to

What is the impact of not saying no

What is the belief behind my inability to say no

  • learned in my childhood

Who would I be if I didn’t have this belief Where am I not saying yes

  • secret hopes/projects